Press Release: In a revolutionary new development Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream is proud to announce an exciting new partnership with Bernie Sanders! Ben & Jerry’s is proud to call Vermont home and we couldn’t be more proud of Bernie “Socialist” Sanders for representing our state and our mutual values. We would like to introduce to the world our newest line of socially conscious ice creams that are flavored to embody the spirit of Bernie Sanders and his campaign for President Of The United States!!
1) Triple Tax Toffee: This sweet blend of all natural vanilla ice cream is combined with a triple helping of toffee and a triple scoop of tax applied to the price. Every purchase will help to disempower a low risk individual through the reallocation of wealth and increasing resources available to trap them in a vicious cycle of welfare dependency and entitlements.
2) We The People Werthers: This is the perfect flavor to hold you over until your elected Democrats deliver on their campaign promises. Creamy caramel ice cream is paired with an extra helping of long lasting Werthers Originals hard candy, so you can savor the flavor while you wait for Guantanamo to close and Obamacare to finally deliver all of its promised benefits.
3) Occupy Your Arteries: Being in the 99% never tasted so good. What happens when you combine double fudge ice cream and chunks of bacon with ribbons of sour cream and mayonnaise? A sit-in of flavor on your tongue and Type Two diabetes in your future, that’s what!
4) Social Just Ice: This dismal blend of ice sourced from San Diego & Jacksonville’s municipal water supply, will leave your taste buds tingling with hints of arsenic and lead. This ice (cream) flavor is designed to reduce the impact of any possible perceived micro-aggression that might arise from being seen eating a premium branded ice cream in front of those who might not have the opportunity to acquire such a luxury on their own without subsidies or government assistance.
5) Bernt Ends: In this bold new taste creation we’ve combined hand selected cuts of brisket and slow cooked them for 15 hours in the fiery flames of Bernie Sanders’ anti-capitalist and anti-free market rhetoric. In addition to the rhetorical slow cooking we slather on layers of sweet entitlements and incorporate plenty of safe spaces which help each unique ingredient to protect itself from the aggressive flavors of other ingredients. This new flavor is sure to be liked by everyone except billionaires.
6) Carbon Neutral Nut: This all natural nutty harmony of vanilla ice cream and exotic nuts sourced from all over the world is in no way carbon neutral. In fact, all of the nuts traveled by old diesel trucks out of the remote regions of tropical places all over the world to be shipped on rusty old diesel barges across an ocean or two and then placed on diesel trucks and driven to a processing plant. From there the exotic nuts were packaged and sent by more old diesel trucks and shipped to our facility before they were turned into delicious treats and shipped yet again on diesel trucks all over the country to be enjoyed. But don’t feel guilty about the environmental impact of our ingredient sourcing for this flavor medley because each time you purchase one of our $15 packages of Carbon Neutral Nut, we will purchase a carbon credit in your name from Al Gore himself.
7) Socialist Swirl: In the tradition of the United State’s long history of being a cultural melting pot, we have combined literally all of our flavors together into one homogeneous flavor that you are sure to like. And if you don’t like it, it’s probably because you are a racist xenophobe who doesn’t like other people’s cultural palate of flavors. Imagine swirls of Bernt Ends and We The People Werthers, in a complex taste synergy with swirls of Occupy Your Arteries and Triple Tax Toffee. In creating Socialist Swirl, we have set out to radically transform your traditional view of what is tasty and redefine it with a more tolerant, accepting and inclusive perception of what will be delicious in the future. (For more from the author of “Major Ice Cream Brand Announces 7 Bernie Sanders Themed Ice Cream Flavors” please click HERE)