New Report Suggests Massive Turnout for Hillary… Among Zombies
The Clinton camp is expecting a huge boost in voting after tonight, as 1.8 million zombies are getting ready to scratch their way out of their tombs in a get-out-the-vote effort truly befitting the greater of two evils running for office.
“What the ACLU and the violent mobs couldn’t do, the zombies are taking care of,” one campaign operative quipped, “I used to have to actually go down to the cemetery and copy down the names from the tombstones. This is way easier.”
Even though the fun of Halloween is over for many areas, as they have already held weekend trick-or-treating events for efficiency’s sake over tonight there will be plenty of action out there if you know where to look. Digger Flanagan, groundskeeper for my hometown’s Red Oak Cemetery, says he dreads tonight more than any other night.
“On the one hand, I appreciate how the zombies pretty much put a stop to pranksters who have been toppling gravestones. But on the other hand, zombies aren’t real neat about how they come up. Nobody really cares about all the work I have to do to keep this place nice for the dead, especially the undead.”
Skeptics claim that zombies don’t have a prayer in turning this election for Hillary, since investigation after investigation seems to suggest that human error is the cause of millions of voters remaining on the rolls after death. But that claim is hardly in line with the progressive push for equality that zombies have been banging their caskets about for decades. One surprisingly articulate zombie told this reporter that he’s being oppressed simply because of the technicality that he is undead.
“If the UN’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights were properly followed, equality for zombies would be a no-brainer,” he said, shuddering at the thought. “Look at this newspaper, voter discrimination is rampant against zombies, felons and illegals, but no group suffers prejudicial social, and economic discrimination more than us zombies. Look at it!”
His insistence was compelling but off-putting, so I shot him with a pea-shooter which just ticked him off. Luckily, I had a potato mine back up.
There are some progressives who clearly are paving the way for zombie acceptance, and there is work being done to compensate loyal zombie voters. Equal wages are, of course, a difficult thing to manage, since zombies don’t want walking around money, just brains. But fraudsters are finding that a massive bank of unused brains is out there still watching and buying into the mainstream media’s lies. Once progressives figure out who’s still watching, they’ll be able to thank the zombies properly.
Happy Halloween. (For more from the author of “New Report Suggests Massive Turnout for Hillary… Among Zombies” please click HERE)
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