. . .The anonymous lawyer, known as The Secret Barrister, declares that Kevin, played by MacCauley Culkin, commits numerous crimes, as do his parents and others in the movie.

The lawyer lays the ground rules, saying he or she will consider “how the adventures of Kevin McAllister might have been different had he, his family and his adversaries been subject to the jurisdiction of the law of England and Wales.” He follows with a brief synopsis of the plot: “In Home Alone, Kevin’s family flew to Paris for Christmas and forgot him. Oops.”

And we’re off! Uncle Frank is in the shower! Kevin’s recording him! It’s voyeurism! Strike one! Frank is fully entitled to be livid.

— The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) December 22, 2018

Its the choir scene. Buzz is humiliating Kevin and all the parents are lapping it up. The sickos.

Kevin responds with a s39 battery on his big brother. Strike 2.

Pianist is caught in the crossfire. Issue over causation, but let’s add a s47 ABH to the indictment.

— The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) December 22, 2018

And they’ve left Kevin on the wrong plane.

Section 1(1) Children and Young Persons Act 1933 – child abandonment/neglect. Max sentence 10 years. Second offence in a year. Serious aggravating feature.

Not mitigated I’m afraid by the awesome 90s comedy faint by Negligent Mom.

— The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) December 22, 2018

During the montage, some shopkeeer sold Kevin some fireworks. Kevin is under 18.

Someone is unfamiliar with the Pyrotechnic Articles (Safety) Regulations 2015 and the Explosives Act 1875. And that unfamiliarity could cost them 6 months of their life.

— The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) December 22, 2018

Kevin is now committing fraud by false representation (s1 Fraud Act 2006) to secure a suite at the Plaza. Frankly, Tim Curry and his band of ninnies only have themselves to blame. Their security protocols were presumably designed by Chris Grayling.

— The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) December 22, 2018

And now the Wet Bandits have Kevin! It’s a completed offence! Section 2 of the Child Abduction Act 1984. Max sentence 7 years.

Kevin just pinched a lady’s bottom to create a diversion. Technically a battery, possibly sexual assault, but again I’d say he has a defence. Just.

— The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) December 22, 2018

The Sticky Bandits are conspiring to commit a commercial burglary.

Max sentence 10 years.

That’s right. Even £millions from a children’s toy store on Christmas Eve. If you’re going to commit an acquisitive offence, this is the one. On an early guilty plea, that’s 6.66 yrs.

— The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) December 22, 2018

As the closing credits roll, let’s look at the rolling total when it comes to sentence:

For conspiracy to murder a child, both Joe Pesci and Marv are looking at best at life with a min 30 yrs, maybe a whole life term. Abduction of a child with sadistic intent.

— The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) December 22, 2018

For two counts of attempting to inflict grievous bodily harm with intent, Kevin, with the heavy mitigation of youth and the fact that he was, after all, being threatened by madmen, will nevertheless be found dangerous. Extended sentence of detention of 4 years plus 4.

— The Secret Barrister (@BarristerSecret) December 22, 2018

(Read more from “Lawyer Tallies up All of MacCauley Culkin’s Crimes in ‘Home Alone 2,’ Figures out His Jail Sentence” HERE)

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