Government Publishes Detailed Instructions on How to Safely Roast Marshmallows

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Photo Credit: Shutterstock

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

The U.S. Forest Service on Friday published a nearly 700-word article on how to safely roast marshmallows, all in preparation for Saturday, which is National Roasted Marshmallow Day.

As one might expect, the article is riddled with safety tips that might make you think twice about even carrying matches into the forest at all, let alone actually igniting a marshmallow and putting your family’s life at risk.

“First, let’s talk safety,” the article says. “Never start a campfire when there are fire restrictions in place. The restrictions are put in place for your safety and for the safety of others.”

It also warns that children should be given a stern talking-to before any of the “fun” begins.

“Some experts advocate a 10-foot rule between young children and a campfire,” it reads. “For more information about campfire safety, let Smokey Bear guide you.”

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WATCH: BMW Tests Its Armored SUV By Shooting It With A Bunch Of Guns

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Photo Credit: www.BMW.com

Photo Credit: www.BMW.com

BMW unveiled a new bulletproof version of its X5 SUV at the Moscow International Auto Salon this week, which press photos prove can withstand some serious punishment.

The new X5 Security Plus can reportedly take direct fire from an AK-47 assault rifle from 33 feet away thanks to its reinforced shatterproof security glass, and an ”armored passenger cell” made of special steel built into the frame of the SUV.

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We Kid You Not: Toddler Gets Timeout for Slipping Through White House Gates

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Photo Credit: AP

Photo Credit: AP

The little squirt squeezed through a section of the gates along Pennsylvania Avenue while President Obama was preparing to announce in a televised statement that he had authorized air strikes and humanitarian assistance in Iraq, according to a Reuters report. The breach resulted in a brief security lockdown.

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Man in Obama Hat Robs Eight Banks in Three Months

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Photo Credit: NBC 4

Photo Credit: NBC 4

Police are looking for a hat-wearing man who has robbed at least eight Long Island banks in the last three months.

The man is wanted in a series of bank robberies that dates back to early May. In each case, he approaches a teller, shows a demand note threatening violence unless he gets money, then flees with the cash.

The man is seen in surveillance video wearing a hat during each of the robberies; one of them has the president’s face on it. Others are wide-brimmed.

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Russian Official Burns Obama with Putin-Leopard Pic

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It’s come to this.

Russia is turning to Twitter to drop a sissy bomb on President Obama, using photos to challenge the manliness of America’s commander in chief, while pumping up their main man, President Vladimir Putin.

The post by Russia’s deputy prime minister Dmitry Rogozin included side-by-side images of the two presidents. In one, Putin is confidently holding a majestic leopard. In the other, a notably younger Obama is holding a small, fluffy dog.

The caption: “We have different values and allies.”

Burn.

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Darth Vader is Polling Higher than All Potential 2016 Presidential Candidates

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Photo Credit: AP

Photo Credit: AP

On Tuesday FiveThirtyEight released the results of a poll of Americans’ opinions on the “Star Wars” universe. Not surprisingly, Jar Jar Binks is the most reviled character in the series. As Walt Hickey notes, the Gungan from Naboo posted lower favorability numbers than Emperor Palpatine, “the actual personification of evil in the galaxy.”

On the other hand, with a net favorability of -8, Jar Jar is considerably more popular than the U.S. Congress, which currently enjoys a net favorability rating of -65. In fact, the last time congressional net favorability was above that was February 2005. Incidentally this was just before the release date of “Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith,” which marked Jar Jar’s last appearance on the big screen.

star-wars-fav

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Could a Brain Scan Protect U.S. Troops from Insider Attacks? (+video)

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Photo Credit: DefenseOne

Photo Credit: DefenseOne

A Pentagon report, revealed by The New York Times over the weekend, showed that the American troops working alongside Iraqi forces were at risk of harm from Sunni extremists who had infiltrated the Iraqi Army (and, perhaps, from the pro-Iranian Shiite militias that effectively are the Army.) On Monday, Rear Adm. John Kirby told reporters that “it would be imprudent, irresponsible not to think about the insider threat.” The threat is real in Afghanistan as well where insider threats, so-called “green-on-blue” attacks, have killed several U.S.troops in recent years.

So, if you’re a U.S. soldier in Iraq or Afghanistan today, how do you determine whether or not the Iraqi or Afghan soldier next to you is going to give up your location to the enemy at the first chance? One solution, developed by a former Army counterintelligence agent, is scanning the brains of Iraqi troops for signs of potential betrayal.

Veritas Scientific, based in Virginia, markets a truth detection system called HandShake for soldiers to diagnose the trust-worthiness of people they may have to work with. The technology was developed by Derrell Small, who served as a U.S. Army counterintelligence agent in 2003 and 2004.

Here’s a brief introduction from the Veritas website:

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Creators of Archie Comics: Archie Will Die Saving Gay Friend

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Photo Credit: Mediaite In April, the creators of Archie Comics announced that they were killing off its main character, and today, they announced how Archie Andrews will die in Wednesday’s edition of Life with Archie: by taking a bullet for the comic’s first openly gay character.

In an interview with TPM, Jon Goldwater, the CEO of Archie Comics, said that the death is “everything that you would expect of Archie. He dies heroically. He dies selflessly. He dies in the manner that epitomizes not only the best of Riverdale but the best of all of us. It’s what Archie has come to represent over the past almost 75 years.”

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Politician Defends Use Of Crystal Meth As Tool To Make Him ‘Better At Job’

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Photo Credit: IJ Review Michael Hartmann, a German Minister of Parliament (MP), is only the latest politician to experiment with hard drugs (see Rob Ford, pictured above) – but he said he used crystal meth only so he could be more efficient as a public official.

The Social Democratic Party member, age 51, admitted to the drug abuse only after being accused by a prosecutor who’d gained evidence from surveillance, according to reports.

Hartmann, the interior policy expert for the Social Democratic Party (SPD), admitted to using the drug for about a month.His lawyer said on Wednesday that 51-year-old Hartmann had hoped the substance would “improve performance” at work.

The lawyer went on to say his client bought and consumed a small amount of crystal meth in autumn 2013, but had not been addicted to it. He’s stressing that psychological tests for addiction have come back negative to the substance.

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WATCH: What Might Happen If A Football Coach Coached Soccer

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Photo Credit: YouTube This skit features Jason Sudeikis as Ted Lasso, an American football coach hired to manage Tottenham Hotspur in England. Look at all the differences!

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