SATIRE: Sleepy Joe Can’t Stop Me From Buying F-15s for Protection Against Doddering Tyrants Like Him

DAVOS—I hate it here. The food is under-portioned, overly garnished, and overpriced. Ditto the drugs and prostitutes. The company is as lousy as one might expect. Picture a bunch of rich nerds bereft of repartee, jacked up on virgin blood transfusions, pitching blockchain Ponzi schemes to Chinese fertilizer tycoons, raving about “eternal consciousness” and “driving inclusive impact by rescripting intentionally vis-à-vis diverse need-state expectations in the digital age.” Hunter Biden is the only cool person in attendance. Too bad his old man is a demented goon hellbent on destroying America.

“I love my right-wing friends who talk about ‘the tree of liberty is watered with the blood of patriots,'” President Joe Biden said Monday at an anti-Semitic breakfast rally. “If you need to work about taking on the federal government, you need some F-15s. You don’t need an AR-15.”

God love him. When he’s right, he’s right. The tree of liberty is watered with the blood of patriots. Our Founding Fathers held this truth to be self-evident. That’s why they so eloquently resolved that “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.”

That’s why I’ve come to Davos. To ensure the security of our free state against the brutish whims of petty tyrants like King George and Sleepy Joe. [Please redact the following: To liaise with corrupt Albanian and Turkish military officers regarding the lawful return of NATO F-15E Strike Eagle fighter jets and MIM-104 Patriot missile systems to the American citizens whose tax dollars funded their development and manufacture.] To preserve our God-given right to defend ourselves with the advanced instruments of modern warfare.

We need some F-15s. Guns alone will not suffice against an “elected” president who threatens airstrikes against his political opponents. I review the U.S. Constitution every morning with a large mug of Black Rifle coffee. (I prefer the Flying Ginsu blend, infused with the remains of eviscerated terrorists.) Go ahead, show me the part that gives federal bureaucrats the power to infringe on private ownership of fighter jets, extended range cannon artillery, and surface-to-air missile launchers. (Read more from “SATIRE: Sleepy Joe Can’t Stop Me From Buying F-15s for Protection Against Doddering Tyrants Like Him” HERE)

Photo credit: Gage Skidmore via Flickr

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